Fortunately at the Tractor Tavern in Ballard, there is nary a muddler. In fact, they even have their anti-muddling stance clearly spelled out over the bar:

Thank you, Tractor, for keeping the line moving and the drinks simple. Is there any other bar taking a stand against muddling?

It took me almost two months to get there however. Various circumstances just kept delaying me. Now that I’ve been multiple times, I’m absolutely hooked and soon, hope to achieve ‘regular’ status there. 

So, what’s it like? 

Well, for start, they have a beer club. You can get a card and work your way through 99 bottles of beer. I didn’t know about this club the first three times I dined there, so I’m only through two beers so far, but I’ll get there. When you mark off all 99 beers, you get a ‘member number’ and a glass. I’ll get there. I’ll definitely get there. They have a wide variety of beers, many of them Northwest microbrews. There’s also a nice selection of wine and espresso drinks. 

The space is nice. That might not seem very descriptive, but that’s how I feel about it. It’s nice. They have a raised area in back that looks like it will easily double as a stage (they have live music some evenings) with comfortable tables and chairs. The floors are dark and rich, the bar comfortable with a view into the kitchen. The high top tables in the front of the house have either cushioned chairs or stools. I thought the stools were a bit rickety, but comfortable. 

 The food has always been very tasty. The soups were rich, flavorful, and healthy portioned. My husband and I ordered sandwiches one Sunday and they were quite delicious. I’ve had their Cuban (tangy, salty, and crunchy) and their jambalaya. The jambalaya came with two slices of buttered sourdough toast. This might seem like nothing, but those two slices of bread were about the best toast I’ve ever tasted in my life. I can’t even explain why they were so good, but they were the perfect complement to the spicy jambalaya that had at least 5-7 jalapeno peppers in a single bowl. 

Unfortunately, since the kitchen is so small, they do run out of things occasionally. I’ve still never managed to get an order of their banana bread, but I’m sure it’s just as delicious as their sandwiches. If I haven’t tempted you enough, when you take a seat, they bring you a jar of pickles and a small fork! 

I’ll be a regular at Kiss Cafe for quite some time. 

Kiss Cafe

2817 NW Market Street

Seattle, WA

Inside the restaurant it looks like it should be either a brothel or drag show. I couldn’t really tell which. But there was a lingerie and feathers theme throughout. And our waitress had smudgy eyeliner on and something my grandma would call a negligee.

We came at the perfect time, which apparently is 6:45 on a Friday and got seated right away. But within the hour the place was packed. So go early.

I asked about their BYOB policy. Which they have. There is a corkage fee if you bring wine but I thought ahead and brought beer, so no corkage fee for me.

The menu is kinda a blur as I’m not a fan of curlicue fonts. I saw food, food, food, ahhhh pizza. And looked in that direction.

I got the deep-dish pizza with sausage, pesto and tomato. He got a deep-dish pizza with broccoli, spinach and garlic. Again, forgive me on the names of the actual pies but that damn font. Maybe it was the beers. Either way, we thought 2 deep-dish pizzas would take forever to make. But we were happily wrong. About 15 minutes later they came, piping hot with oozes of mozzarella cheese on top. Time to forget that lactose pill.

Mine was on the greasier side of course. But the sausage was big and the cheese was chewy. His was green and garlicky. Almost too garlicky. I couldn’t decide which I liked better, but suddenly it was time for dessert and I knew right away where my vote would lie.

The Chocolate Chip Orgasm.

Imagine Chocolate Chip cookie dough put in a deep-dish skillet and then thrown in the oven for like two minutes so that it’s not totally cooked and then topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Eating it is like when your (my) boyfriend pinches your (my) nipples while doing you (me) from behind. It’s friggin’ awesome. Gooey, warm chocolaty goodness with that not thoroughly cooked doughy texture mixed with cold ice cream which was quickly melting, causing the chocolate and vanilla to meld together, was absolute perfection in my mouth. The greasy, but good and garlicky, but good pizzas quickly became second fiddle to this cookie/ice cream heaven we (I) were devouring.

Even today, when we ate our leftover pies for lunch all I really wanted was another orgasm. Then again, don’t we all.

Madame K’s Pizza Bistro  $$$ ($18 for small pie/2 people with 2 pies, glass of wine and dessert =$60)

5237 Ballard Ave. NW, 783-9710

M-Th. 5-10pm, Fri. 5-11pm, Sa. 2-11pm, Su. 2-9pm.