Pacific Publishing Company publishes a number of fine neighborhood newspapers, including the Capitol Hill Times, the Belltown Messenger, and the North Seattle Herald-Outlook. My local version, the Madison Park Times, serves as an incomparable fount of wisdom on outdoor plays [# - "Don't be surprised if walking down East Cherry Street this month feels like stepping into an off-Broadway production!"] and Seattle Star [#], not to mention the magazine insert Not Just for Seniors! (It is, in fact, just for seniors. And surprisingly not online.) I also like to check in on the Police Notes, usually to find that Madison Park’s sole crime in the last month was attempted suicide, or perhaps someone stealing a wine bottle off of a porch [#]. (Okay, that was Madrona.) The tone is matter-of-fact and dry, utterly serious as the writer recounts how some ropes were cut yet again in the Japanese Garden.

But little did I know, Pacific Publishing sibling Queen Anne News pays no heed to Madison Park’s steely reporting! Rather, the police log is filled with mystery! Intrigue! Plot twists!

A staffer at a business in the first block of Mercer St. made two mistakes the afternoon of May 5. The first was leaving her wallet in the pocket of a jacket hung over a chair near a back door that had been propped open to get some air into the place. The wallet was stolen, and it contained identification, a Key Bank credit card, a Bank of America debit card and $350 in cash.

The second mistake was believing a man who called her before she knew the wallet was gone and asked her for the PIN codes for both cards “so he could consolidate both accounts and then give her one PIN number for both.” So she gave him the information, later realized that probably wasn’t the smartest thing she could have done and called the cops.

The woman had already called one bank when police arrived, and and a cop urged her to call the other right away, which was a problem since she didn’t have a phone book handy. So she asked the cop to look the number up for her. The woman got a case number, instead, and she was advised to never give out her PIN codes over the phone. [#]

He gave her a case number! Burn! And then this is practically straight out of The Sopranos:

The owner of a grocery on Thorndyke Avenue West has been taking the concept of one-stop shopping waaaay too far lately. He’s done that, according to a May 3 police report, by selling butterfly knives and brass knuckles (which are illegal in Seattle), along with stun guns, Chako sticks, bongs and small glass dope pipes, some of which are typically used to smoke crack.

I won’t give away the ending, but I’ll tell you it includes “youth operatives.” I can’t wait to see what other hijinks this great storyteller of our generation will recount in future issues.