In addition to the M’s need for a new general manager, they now need a new center fielder. As one of the only bright spots on a suffering baseball team, Ichiro was moved back to his natural hunting grounds of right field.

Wait, don’t the M’s already have a couple of guys who can play center?

Well, sure. Jeremy Reed and Willie Bloomquist. Reed has a decent batting average for a bad team, .275, but he struggles a bit with covering all the acreage of center field. Bloomquist is a fast sprinter, but is hitting a measely .189 this season and generally does better as a utility infielder. Nobody’s being set on fire by the choices here.

Ken Griffey Jr.’s name came up again in news stories this morning, but they can’t be serious: yeah, he’s a record-breaking guy and a favorite in this town, but you can’t put him in center field. He’s hitting barely .245 and running on a pair of ouchy legs. He hasn’t been in center since ‘06.

Meanwhile, the M’s are still in free-fall.

I got this e-mail from Josh just now:

Any of you sports fans planning to mention mclaren’s profanity-filled rant yesterday?

No.

McLaren ranting about how bad the team is and how he hates losing is like a guy throwing a tantrum because his ‘84 Chevy Nova won’t start.

Let’s be honest here: This team is bad, built of over-the-hill hitters who either lack power or patience and incredibly mediocre pitching. McLaren deserves his share of blame (since he can’t manage his bullpen effectively), but this team wasn’t going to win unless everything clicked. And so far, save Beltre and Ichiro and Felix, nothing has gone right.

So, when McLaren launches into his salty harangue of everyone from the players to the press, is it really worth it to highlight it? I don’t think so. That would mean it’s news, like something we should be talking about. But it’s not news. It’s just a pitiful, depressive story that needs an end, and soon.

My grandfather used to say in times like this, “Son, cut your losses.” You only wish the Mariners ownership would be as smart as my grandfather. Apparently, though, they’re too busy making a profit off the taxpayers than they are in fielding a winning team.

I have way too much to do before I sit in the cold at the park to watch Erik Bedard blow out his arm or Richie Sexson flop like a dead fish at a curve ball, so let me do a really short 2008 M’s preview.

INFIELD
C: Kenji Jojima. He’s nails. At least until Matt Clement proves he can hit. Or he starts to suck.

1B: Richie Sexson. He’s almost my age, and he’s hitting like me, with occasional 500 foot homers. And oh, he’s making $11M more than I am.

2B: Jose Lopez. Is he ever going to get back to his 2006? Are the M’s going to trade him? Is Vidro going to play second and remind us why he’s a DH?

SS: Yuniesky Betancourt. Betancourt is a great defensive shortshop and no one knows it. Derek Jeter is an awful defensive shortstop and no one wants to admit it.

3B: Adrian Beltre: The best 3B in the American League. Memo to the American League: You have a dearth of talent at 3B.

OUTFIELD
LF: Raul Ibanez. Isn’t he pretty when he wanders around in LF looking for the ball in a way reminiscent of Billy’s path in a Family Circus Sunday comic.

CF: Ichiro. Oh, Ichiro. I hope your knees hold out considering the defensive crap that’s playing either side of you this year.

RF: Adam Jones. The future of this franchise, a solid hitter, great fielder, total five-tool… what? Oh.

Crap.

RF: Brad Wilkerson. The future of the Montreal Expos, a declining hitter, slow fielder, total waste of money.

DESIGNATED “HITTER”: Jose Vidro. Vidro as DH is the baseball equivalent of towing a camper over Snoqualmie Pass with a Chevy Aveo.

BENCH
Willie Bloomquist: On any other team, he’d be a league minimum bench scrub. On this team, he sells t-shirts.

Jamie Burke: The very definition of a backup catcher: Decent behind the plate, decent with the bat, not exactly someone you want to start 130 games a year.

Miguel Cairo: Just like fan super-favorite Willie Bloomquist, only older, slower, and not white. On this team, he’s designated for assignment by the end of the month.

Charlton Jimerson: Don’t know who he is? That’s OK. You probably didn’t know who Jason Ellison was either. Or Luis Ugueto. He might play about as much as they did, but only if John McLaren’s really on a bender and runs over the rest of the outfield with a bullpen cart.

Mike Morse: Proof that you can use steroids, get suspended twice, and still make the club out of spring training despite not being all that good. Can you tell the team doesn’t have enough right-handed hitting outfielders?

STARTING PITCHING
Erik Bedard: They traded for him. And knowing the M’s, he’ll probably blow out his arm around the fifth inning of Opening Day.

Felix Hernandez: He’s like a Ming Dynasty vase on display during the Running of the Bulls.

Carlos Silva: The M’s overpaid for him like a guy paying $30K for a 1996 Ford Contour. (Speaking of, anyone with the M’s need a ‘96 Ford Contour? Only $30K!)

Jarrod Washburn: On any other team, he’d be a #4 starter. And for the first time in Seattle, he is the #4 starter, but he’s still getting paid like a #2 starter.

Miguel Batista: For right now, the #5 starter, but who knows? This spot is intensely competitive because the M’s system is chock full of #5 starters. (And that’s their problem with pitching in a nutshell, isn’t it?)

CLOSER: JJ Putz. Best closer in the American League last year. If the starting pitching holds and the bullpen holds and his ulnar collateral ligament holds and the good Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise and the Messiah comes and pigs fly, he’ll save 40 again.

BULLPEN
Cha Seung Baek: On the roster because if he’s sent back to the minors he’d pass through waivers and another team could claim him. And we know how much the Target sales team covets soft-tossing long relievers to man the cash registers.

Eric O’Flaherty: He’s left-handed. He’ll throw to one batter a game. He’ll get $500K for doing that. Meanwhile, I’ll sit in a windowless office eight hours a day and get far less than that, and I’m left-handed.

Sean Green: The Mariners bullpen equivalent to a Star Trek redshirt.

Mark Lowe: His elbow is repaired! He can throw 97 again! The very reason the M’s traded Rafael Soriano is back in the bullpen! One week only! We don’t know how long this elbow will last!

Ryan Rowland-Smith: He’s Australian. And that’s about all I know about him.

MANAGER: John McLaren. Manages the team the way an insurance adjustor manages a political party, with all the fire of a swimming pool and the mirth of a Tully’s barista.

MY PREDICTION: The starting pitching is improved. The offense is pretty terrible. The bench is bad, but it’s not like McLaren ever uses it. I’m going to try and be optimistic: 82-80, second place in the AL West.

The Mariners made it official about an hour ago:

Seattle Mariners Executive Vice President & General Manager of Baseball Operations Bill Bavasi announced today that the Mariners have signed All-Star centerfielder Ichiro Suzuki to a five-year contract extension. Per club policy, terms of the contract — which covers the 2008-2012 seasons — were not disclosed.

Here in town, you can guess what the reaction is. The Metrobloggers that are sports fans (all three of us) are chuffed. The ones that aren’t could care less about your local sports team, but they’re too busy dealing with their own demons and obnoxious boys.

Meanwhile, one Florida Marlins exec… you should just read it:

I would say it’s the end of the world as we know it. If Ichiro is worth $20 million a year … I am speechless by that contract. I’m hoping that report is false, because there’s no chance a top-of-the-lineup guy — forget that, anybody — is worth that much. And Ichiro, who’s led his team to zero, nothing?… It’s unbelievable. You know what, everybody gets what they deserve, and I guess that will be more luxury tax money, more revenue-sharing money they’ll have to give. I’m sure it can’t be true. There’s no way they gave $20 million a year to Ichiro, at his age for five years. There’s no way…. Literally, it will take the sport down, that contract. We’re right back to the ridiculous contracts. It can’t be.

Yow. That’s the kind of incomprehensible bile you expect from, say, a weekly “indie” paper that’s jumped the shark so many times in the last couple of years you wonder if you’re actually in Gitmo being tortured by reruns of Happy Days. (see also) And anyway, didn’t he hear A-Rod’s agent wants at least $30M a year? I wonder if the poor guy’s head will explode upon news of that.

(Why is it we have a term for citing the Nazis in an attempt to short-circuit an argument (that is, Godwin’s Law), but not one for comparing an event to the end of the world?)

Anyway, you probably didn’t need to hear this from me, since Seth already covered it, and has e-mailed Deadspin about it 15,000 times in the last hour. Memo to Seth: I’ve met Will Leitch. You two are a lot alike, but you would not make a cute couple. Get over it.

But Ichiro is staying in Seattle until the world ends. Hallelujah. Now let’s get some runs.

Remember the hand-wringing about Ichiro over the winter? The trade rumors? The Padres and Dodgers waiting around to pick him up on the rebound?

He’s staying.

SAN FRANCISCO — One of the Mariners’ biggest concerns this season is about to be resolved.

The club is on the verge of locking up Ichiro, their All-Star outfielder whose contract was set to expire after the season, to a five-year contract extension, the Seattle Times has learned. Indications are that the deal will approach $100 million and could be announced Friday.

SUCK ON IT, REST OF THE LEAGUE. Ichiro is our Japanese guy with strangely-translated quotes and you can’t have him. That goes doubly for you, Cleveland.

It’s a good day to be a Mariners fan. We may be losing the Sonics to Oklahoma City and the Seahawks may be incapable of fielding a secondary better than what Rainier Beach High runs out there every fall, but we still have the suprising, contending M’s ready to break our hearts like so many drunken, violent boyfriends that we can’t seem to get up the courage to dump.

Seattle doesn’t care about celebrities. We’re just fine with our own collection of local notables: Dale Chihuly, the guy that dresses like Link, the Mariner Moose. (But never Ichiro, because Ichiro is just so over.) Still, sometimes one’s own inner fangirl can get the better of even the most espresso-hardened Seattleite, sending them screaming to a police barricade while Grey’s Anatomy films in Pioneer Square. Yes, I mean you, so just admit it.

But the P-I? The P-I loves celebrities. The P-I’s inner fangirl is always present and accounted for. So of course they were on the scene and reporting the most important story of the day: some guy from Laguna Beach got arrested at the waterfront Marriott. The P-I’s story is too boring even for quotation, so I turn to the LA Times for a more colorful account:

Wahler yelled at the guard, shoved him, punched him in the mouth and then fled, police said. He was found passed out in the hotel’s third-floor hallway, police said, and after being awakened, bragged that he was rich while shouting threats and racial epithets at an officer. [#]

The P-I’s celeb coverage doesn’t stop there, though! There’s also a new frontpage feature called “Star Sightings.” Now, you might think that this feature includes so-called star sightings that actually took place in Seattle. Tsk tsk, dear reader. Think outside the box! Rather, this feature is a slideshow of wire photos taken around the country. Oh look! Kevin Bacon on stage at Carnegie Hall! What a scoop! Congrats to the P-I on yet another thrilling feature. While the Seattle Times is off getting a Pulitzer nod for a series on improperly sealed court files [mb], you’re dedicating part of your front page to AP photos of LeAnn Rimes and Brad Garrett. Way to go.

People in the news: Another arresting visit for actor [P-I]
Star Sightings [P-I]

photo by Joseppi [flickr]

First, for non-sports fans, expect extra traffic downtown today due to the sold-out Mariners/A’s Opening Day game. My advice is to try not to think about how much more in taxes you’re paying to sit in said traffic. Unless, that is, you’re looking for a reason to feel even more bitter and cynical about it.

For sports fans, expect the long, slow descent into irrelevance to begin today at 3:35 PM. As you sit in the stadium, try not to think about how much more your ticket, hot dog, and beer cost to witness the debacle they call Mariners baseball. Bill Bavasi is the Donald Rumsfeld of baseball general managers. “You root for the team you’re given, not the team you want,” is something I just made up but am positive he would agree with.

Full (and much better) coverage here and here.

Jesse Thorn is on a quest — to move his podcast, The Sound of Young America, off iPods and onto radios. To that end KXOT 91.7 (which is now owned by KUOW, in case you weren’t paying attention) is giving the show a four week trial in their Sunday noon slot. (And that was starting last week… and I was going to remind you of that. Sorry.) Of course, KXOT’s signal isn’t all that strong, but he’s hopeful that you’ll roll out of bed and flip on your radio.

The Sound of Young America is a mix of comedy, interview, and the 18-25 age group. (It just hurts a little when someone says “I was listening to This American Life at 16″ knowing that you were out of college and starting your career when the show debuted.) It’s been a popular podcast on iTunes, and has been featured on other lightbulb-powered NPR stations around the country.

Jesse, for all his radio experience, lacked the wisdom that comes with age to know not to submit to my interview. But yet he persevered, talking about the future of radio, overcoming the Seattle Freeze, and his plan for the viaduct.
Read more

Hey, remember this post? The one where I tracked down the Japanese interview where Ichiro makes some statements that made Babelfish think that maybe he was on his way to Fenway? The one that the Seattle Times blasted by bringing in someone who “spoke” and “translated” this “Japanese” language? (I mean, come on, “Japanese” sounds about as real as “elvish.” Or “French.” I mean, who would name a language after a bread or a laundry?)

Good times.

Well, turns out, I CALLED IT.

In language as direct as he has used yet about his future with the Mariners, the record-setting leadoff man indicated he has yet to receive any contract extension offer, is “very upset” about the team’s losing ways of late and remains intrigued by the prospect of free agency.

Dear Seattle Times sports editors: HA HA! I think it’s time to admit MY truthiness is far superior to yours — or your bosses’.

Ichiro told Sankei Sports today「自分が主力として活躍し、優勝して（世界一の）チャンピオンリングを取る。それは最高ですよね。ただ、現時点で目標に掲げることは難しい。それは限られたチームの選手しかできないので…。現時点でできることをしっかりとやる。これが今のチームにいる僕が言えることでしょう」

Which, according to Babelfish, “translates” to English (this is translation in the same way hydrolyzed soy protein is soy sauce) as,

“By your you participate as the main force, win and (take) the champion ring the greatest in the world. That is highest, don’t you think?. It is difficult simply, at present time to put out in goal. As for that only the player of the team which is limited being not to be possible…. The fact that it is possible at present time is done securely. It probably means that I where this is to the current team can say.”

Which, according to my college-educated sense of things, comes out as

“A WS ring is a nice thing to have, no? I don’t see this team doing that, so I’m going to jump ship. Screw you guys, I’m going to Boston in 2008.”

In other words, Ichiro wants out of this mismanaged disaster that is the Seattle Mariners. And if he wants out, so do a few hundred thousand fans. And the Japanese media contingent. And, honestly, so do I. He deserves better than an empty park and a washed-up second baseman as DH.

Man, this winter has been downright terrible in Seattle.

(Hat tip: USS Mariner, though I sent a rumor link to them yesterday. But I’m not taking credit for that, since it’s all props to them for rousing Deanna from her slumber.)