photo by seattle bon vivant [flickr] via our group pool [#].

From time to time suggestions for better Seattle living find their way to Seattle Metblogs HQ. This promising-looking Sunday morning brings such a missive from Steven Blum, proprietor of Oh My God Seattle, who wants to help you better enjoy Greenlake. His note, interspersed with pictures from our group pool, follows.

photo by grundlepuck [flickr] and jeff carlson [flickr].

Look at you, ya schmuck: Sitting in front of the computer. Another day checking the email to see if you’ve got a new message. Would it kill you to leave the house every now and then? It’s gorgeous out here! Come to Greenlake. What’s Greenlake you ask? Why, it’s a lake with a concrete path around it. There are geese and boats and little kids fishing and grown women sleeping on towels with their dogs and muscley men I never knew existed. There are about a thousand people here right now earnestly attempting to enjoy the weather and be happy (happy is when your mouth opens and you laugh for no reason and you look like you have dementia).

Here are a few tips for maximum Greenlake enjoyment:

1. Don’t go to Greenlake if you need to go poop.
If you really, really need to go, there are bathrooms in the pool building with doors on them. Everywhere else is a strip show starring your ass. (Sometimes also starring “no toilet paper.”) Poop at home.

2. Don’t park on the “dark side” of Greenlake.
This includes the houses on street names like Wallingford and Sunnyside. Every house here looks the same and has an enormous veranda and is on a dead end. You will lose your car and be forced to walk up and down the streets as young families look at you like you’re crazy.

photo by smohundro [flickr].

3. There are rules for checking out hot runners
These people are everywhere. You will be enjoying your walk when they’re suddenly up in your grill with their pecs and sweaty heads full of hair. Remember-don’t fall down. And look at the pec parts not the sex parts.

4. Don’t run near young children on bikes.
They will fall off their bikes.

5. For god’s sake, talk to the man playing his harmonica.
Seriously? You’re just going to walk by this man and not say a thing? He is talking directly at your face! He is saying “Don’t look at me, the only crazy in Greenlake, don’t look at my paintings, fine don’t look!” Don’t buy into his woefulness. Look directly at him and say “I love you.” This person could be you someday. He could be you.

photo by bunnies with sharp teeth [flickr] .

6. Don’t scare the turtles!
There are wittle bitty turtles sitting on logs near the Bath House theatre. They will remind you of your uncle Maurice with his reptilian face and slow reaction times. Don’t be too loud or they’ll fall off the logs! TURTLES!

7. Email me.
I’ll be here every sunny day starting now.

Thanks again to Steven for contributing. Do you have tips and tricks for the Seattle summer? Send them to seattle.metblogs at gmail.com.