In which I rant because I’m a Seattleite
El Diablo by ChrisB in SEA, used under CC license
Dear El Diablo Coffee:
Look, I know you’re a local store with special snowflake baristas grinding organic free-trade magic beans into artistic artisanal confections of drinks, but at 8 in the morning, I’m really, really tired. And I haven’t had enough sleep in weeks. Right now, caffeine is the thin black line separating me from a paycheck and Cobain-eqsue narcolepsy.
So, when your lone barista spends the ENTIRE TEN MINUTES I’m in your shop CHATTING AWAY with someone about KIDS AND WORK AND HOUSES AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF THAT’S NOT MAKING COFFEE instead of TAKING MY MONEY AND GIVING ME THE LIQUID AWAKE HAPPY BLACKNESS THAT I WANT, NO, NEED TO KEEP MYSELF FROM FALLING ASLEEP AND/OR GOING POSTAL I get just a little UPSET.
No, I didn’t do the classical Seattle passive aggressive thing of standing there and looking huffy. No. I went to the chain shop where the all too perky barista was more than happy to chat away about the GUY SHE SLEPT WITH LAST NIGHT AND OH HE WAS SO CUTE YOU KNOW LIKE DANE COOK ONLY TALLER AND FUNNIER LIKE YOU KNOW?
But you know what?
She took my money and made my coffee. Sweet, blessed coffee, unfairly traded, picked by slave labor, made from an automated machine by a twentysomething as deep as a saucer who treats men like TV dinners — heat ‘em up, consume them, throw them away. Two minutes later, I was human again.
Meanwhile, your barista was still standing there asking that customer about what color she was going to paint her spare bedroom. Or something.
So, next time I come in looking for your environmentally friendly and safe boutique happiness served by the barista who so desperately wants to know whether I’m going to paint my spare bedroom, you might think about telling him that if I’m standing there he might want to take my money and make me my double within 10 minutes. Because next time, I’m going to stand there and look all huffy until he NOTICES me.
We have a bit of a coffee-theme going on today.
A while back, I was at Uptown Espresso on 4th and Wall. The one barista was not only making coffee, but handling the register as well. With a line of 8 people, it was slow-going. A second employee came out from the back and stood there staring at the barista. Then he asked if he could go on break. The barista asked if instead he could handle the register. He slowly shuffled over and started taking orders, obviously not happy.
A customer came up with a coffee and said that it appeared that there was no chocolate in her mocha. He just stared at her. She set the cup down on the counter and asked if he could put some chocolate in it. He stared at her. Then he slowly reached for the cup, grabbed the chocolate bottle, squeezed a tiny amount of chocolate in it, left her cup on the counter, then walked to the back. The rest of us just stared at the cup. Did he really do that? The barista fixed the mocha and eventually I received my coffee but damn, I hope they fired that kid.
Is your comment about not being passive agressive meant to be a joke? If you weren’t passive agressive you would have said, "Excuse me, could I order something?"
But that would be so gauche to interrupt their conversation.
The local coffee shop is the new social club. Seattle and great coffee are ubiquitous, and because of this Seattle has given rise to a national culture of coffee, and the local shop has become an extension of home.
With so many choices, people return to specific coffee shops because of the personal interaction described above. The coffee shop is more than a caffeine station; it’s an office, library, art studio, hangout, gossip with friend’s kind of place.
Let’s all be happy that modern business efficiencies like automation haven’t been applied to the local coffee shop, or else you might be waiting in line to get your coffee from a vending machine.
Hey. Easy there. This could have just been a fluke, and I’m sure it wasn’t done to literally spite you. This is one of my all-time favorite coffee shops! I always have great customer service, and they have great food and coffee! I hope your review doesn’t prevent people from going there…
So which chain shop was this exactly? I’ve left coffee shops for similar reasons, but honestly, if you get to know the barista, chances are that one day, you too will be that someone preventing a bleary-eyed hipster (OMG!? Did I just call you a hipster?!) from his morning caffeine injection
A few things to point out:
Look, you’re a cute writer, but your credibility is a direct reflection of the persona you create, so lets quickly count up the false assumptions and contradictions and see if anything about your experience adds up.
1. El Diablo doesn’t serve free trade coffee (totally minor), but they do serve the best cuban roast they can find.
2. You make mention of snowflake baristas but your blurb is really about some dude working alone (ok, also minor).
3. You said you waited for ten minutes without looking at all huffy or passive aggressive while barely managing to straddle the thin black line separating you from your ability to pay the bills and doing a face-plant on the counter… is this possible? really?
4. And the barista didn’t pick up on your impatience, but will somehow be able to discern exactly how many pennies and nickles you so kindly dropped into the tip jar based solely on their specific sound vibrations whilst steaming your non-fat milk and stirring sugar into your triple grande?
5. Is this what you’re saying?
6. Because it sounds like you had a crappy cup of coffee at that other place where it’s so easy for you to make insulting assumptions about the female twentysomething barista, and you kinda wish you were able to chill out for a minute and inhale… exhale…inhale…, c’mon, do it with me now…
7. Everything is going to be okay, buddy.
8. We wait in line at grocery stores, at banks, at the DMV, at the movies (even when we’re only renting).
9. So what’s your problem with waiting an extra minute for good coffee in a place where conversation might actually be relevant to your life?
10. Oh, and capitol lettering makes you seem a little unstable which generally isn’t a very trustworthy trait.
11. But I like your style.
12. What you need to do is start with your carpet or a nice area rug to go with your existing furniture, and you’ll want to base your wall color off of that.
13. You should try our mochas… we chop our own chocolate, you know.
I’ll be there from seven to close tomorrow,
Thanks
@owendaniel: You may be right. He may be crazy.
Also? They chop their own chocolate?!
And I just might be the lunatic they’re looking for.
And yes, they chop their own chocolate. One of the reasons why their chocolate drinks are awesome.
People in Seattle don’t complain directly enough.
I hope El Diablo puts this post on their press page.