I’ll have what she’s having.

My boyfriend was whining about how I don’t take him out on dates and why don’t we snuggle more, so I took that bitch out proper. When I yelped the shit out of restaurants in Ballard I discovered Madame K’s. Why hadn’t I heard of this place before? It seemed perfect for us, if we remembered to take our lactose pills, which we didn’t. But it seemed perfect nonetheless.

Inside the restaurant it looks like it should be either a brothel or drag show. I couldn’t really tell which. But there was a lingerie and feathers theme throughout. And our waitress had smudgy eyeliner on and something my grandma would call a negligee.

We came at the perfect time, which apparently is 6:45 on a Friday and got seated right away. But within the hour the place was packed. So go early.

I asked about their BYOB policy. Which they have. There is a corkage fee if you bring wine but I thought ahead and brought beer, so no corkage fee for me.

The menu is kinda a blur as I’m not a fan of curlicue fonts. I saw food, food, food, ahhhh pizza. And looked in that direction.

I got the deep-dish pizza with sausage, pesto and tomato. He got a deep-dish pizza with broccoli, spinach and garlic. Again, forgive me on the names of the actual pies but that damn font. Maybe it was the beers. Either way, we thought 2 deep-dish pizzas would take forever to make. But we were happily wrong. About 15 minutes later they came, piping hot with oozes of mozzarella cheese on top. Time to forget that lactose pill.

Pizza, pizza and cheap beer from Trader Joe's

Mine was on the greasier side of course. But the sausage was big and the cheese was chewy. His was green and garlicky. Almost too garlicky. I couldn’t decide which I liked better, but suddenly it was time for dessert and I knew right away where my vote would lie.

The Chocolate Chip Orgasm.

No faking required.

Imagine Chocolate Chip cookie dough put in a deep-dish skillet and then thrown in the oven for like two minutes so that it’s not totally cooked and then topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Eating it is like when your (my) boyfriend pinches your (my) nipples while doing you (me) from behind. It’s friggin’ awesome. Gooey, warm chocolaty goodness with that not thoroughly cooked doughy texture mixed with cold ice cream which was quickly melting, causing the chocolate and vanilla to meld together, was absolute perfection in my mouth. The greasy, but good and garlicky, but good pizzas quickly became second fiddle to this cookie/ice cream heaven we (I) were devouring.

Even today, when we ate our leftover pies for lunch all I really wanted was another orgasm. Then again, don’t we all.

Madame K’s Pizza Bistro  $$$ ($18 for small pie/2 people with 2 pies, glass of wine and dessert =$60)

5237 Ballard Ave. NW, 783-9710

M-Th. 5-10pm, Fri. 5-11pm, Sa. 2-11pm, Su. 2-9pm.

7 Comments so far

  1. josh on March 30th, 2008 @ 9:54 am

    I haven’t been to Madame K’s in forever, but I think that somewhere in that curlicue writing they explain that the place used to be a brothel. Or, rather, a house for seamstresses.

  2. John Eddy (jaydeflix) on March 30th, 2008 @ 12:39 pm

    "suddenly it was time for dessert and I knew right away where my vote would lie."

    Not to nitpick or anything, but, considering they only have a single dessert, why would you even have a choice as to what to get?

  3. John Eddy (jaydeflix) on March 30th, 2008 @ 12:41 pm

    Oh, and yes, Josh is right about the whole guild of seamstresses thing (and that it’s on the back of the menu).

  4. donte on March 31st, 2008 @ 12:10 am

    three comments already and no one’s mentioned the whole nipples/doggy-style dessert comparison? what the hell? i don’t know that i’ve met you yayunicorns, but rest assured that should that happen, i will blush, which is quite the feat considering my melanin.

  5. jameswa on March 31st, 2008 @ 7:46 am

    chocolate chip orgasm.

    madame k’s. yes, they play off the whole vibe of being a place of ‘previous indiscretions’

    their pies are chewy and cheesy and greasy. i love that. romio’s on eastlake has that type of pizza as well. i love that type of pizza. way under rated.

    great date place too – this madame k’s. first date, last date, whatever. good for dates.

  6. Ryan (ryanhealy) on March 31st, 2008 @ 10:23 pm

    Donte: Wanted to comment on it. Still want to comment on it. Just having a hard time figuring out what to say. "Best restaurant review ever" comes to mind, though.

  7. John Eddy (jaydeflix) on March 31st, 2008 @ 11:04 pm

    I think some things are just best left untouched.

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