
I have way too much to do before I sit in the cold at the park to watch Erik Bedard blow out his arm or Richie Sexson flop like a dead fish at a curve ball, so let me do a really short 2008 M’s preview.
INFIELD
C: Kenji Jojima. He’s nails. At least until Matt Clement proves he can hit. Or he starts to suck.
1B: Richie Sexson. He’s almost my age, and he’s hitting like me, with occasional 500 foot homers. And oh, he’s making $11M more than I am.
2B: Jose Lopez. Is he ever going to get back to his 2006? Are the M’s going to trade him? Is Vidro going to play second and remind us why he’s a DH?
SS: Yuniesky Betancourt. Betancourt is a great defensive shortshop and no one knows it. Derek Jeter is an awful defensive shortstop and no one wants to admit it.
3B: Adrian Beltre: The best 3B in the American League. Memo to the American League: You have a dearth of talent at 3B.
OUTFIELD
LF: Raul Ibanez. Isn’t he pretty when he wanders around in LF looking for the ball in a way reminiscent of Billy’s path in a Family Circus Sunday comic.
CF: Ichiro. Oh, Ichiro. I hope your knees hold out considering the defensive crap that’s playing either side of you this year.
RF: Adam Jones. The future of this franchise, a solid hitter, great fielder, total five-tool… what? Oh.
Crap.
RF: Brad Wilkerson. The future of the Montreal Expos, a declining hitter, slow fielder, total waste of money.
DESIGNATED “HITTER”: Jose Vidro. Vidro as DH is the baseball equivalent of towing a camper over Snoqualmie Pass with a Chevy Aveo.
BENCH
Willie Bloomquist: On any other team, he’d be a league minimum bench scrub. On this team, he sells t-shirts.
Jamie Burke: The very definition of a backup catcher: Decent behind the plate, decent with the bat, not exactly someone you want to start 130 games a year.
Miguel Cairo: Just like fan super-favorite Willie Bloomquist, only older, slower, and not white. On this team, he’s designated for assignment by the end of the month.
Charlton Jimerson: Don’t know who he is? That’s OK. You probably didn’t know who Jason Ellison was either. Or Luis Ugueto. He might play about as much as they did, but only if John McLaren’s really on a bender and runs over the rest of the outfield with a bullpen cart.
Mike Morse: Proof that you can use steroids, get suspended twice, and still make the club out of spring training despite not being all that good. Can you tell the team doesn’t have enough right-handed hitting outfielders?
STARTING PITCHING
Erik Bedard: They traded for him. And knowing the M’s, he’ll probably blow out his arm around the fifth inning of Opening Day.
Felix Hernandez: He’s like a Ming Dynasty vase on display during the Running of the Bulls.
Carlos Silva: The M’s overpaid for him like a guy paying $30K for a 1996 Ford Contour. (Speaking of, anyone with the M’s need a ’96 Ford Contour? Only $30K!)
Jarrod Washburn: On any other team, he’d be a #4 starter. And for the first time in Seattle, he is the #4 starter, but he’s still getting paid like a #2 starter.
Miguel Batista: For right now, the #5 starter, but who knows? This spot is intensely competitive because the M’s system is chock full of #5 starters. (And that’s their problem with pitching in a nutshell, isn’t it?)
CLOSER: JJ Putz. Best closer in the American League last year. If the starting pitching holds and the bullpen holds and his ulnar collateral ligament holds and the good Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise and the Messiah comes and pigs fly, he’ll save 40 again.
BULLPEN
Cha Seung Baek: On the roster because if he’s sent back to the minors he’d pass through waivers and another team could claim him. And we know how much the Target sales team covets soft-tossing long relievers to man the cash registers.
Eric O’Flaherty: He’s left-handed. He’ll throw to one batter a game. He’ll get $500K for doing that. Meanwhile, I’ll sit in a windowless office eight hours a day and get far less than that, and I’m left-handed.
Sean Green: The Mariners bullpen equivalent to a Star Trek redshirt.
Mark Lowe: His elbow is repaired! He can throw 97 again! The very reason the M’s traded Rafael Soriano is back in the bullpen! One week only! We don’t know how long this elbow will last!
Ryan Rowland-Smith: He’s Australian. And that’s about all I know about him.
MANAGER: John McLaren. Manages the team the way an insurance adjustor manages a political party, with all the fire of a swimming pool and the mirth of a Tully’s barista.
MY PREDICTION: The starting pitching is improved. The offense is pretty terrible. The bench is bad, but it’s not like McLaren ever uses it. I’m going to try and be optimistic: 82-80, second place in the AL West.