Spring is in the air, and that means it’s time to marry a bit of Seattle again. March 15th falls on a Saturday this year, and co-incidentally, the Catholic Church has moved St. Patrick’s Day to March 15th in order to minimize conflict with Holy Week. Brides, Ides, and St. Patrick’s Day all at once? This is some sort of important cosmic convergence.

Girls, let’s talk. I don’t know about you, but after seven years of shotgun weddings and wrenching separations from betrotheds including the Hammering Man, the Space Needle, the monorail, (and let us not forget Satan), and on and on, we’re feeling a little… how shall I say this delicately…unfresh. Let’s be honest. The blush is off the rose, isn’t it? We’re just a spoiled peach. What once seemed so, so GLAmorous now just seems…taaawdry. Doesn’t it darlings? We’re old. Used. Diiirty. Why, we’ve shredded two dresses to filthy rags just dragging them along the grimy streets of the big city.That’s why it’s time to refresh! Rejuvenate! And wash away those sinful stains, at the Brides of March 2008: Purity Party, which will conveniently kick off at Capitol Hill’s 12th Avenue Laundry. Never content with a mere metaPHOoric washup, we’re going to LITrally WASH. THOSE. STAINS. All you need do is bring One Soiled Unmentionable. We’ll toss them all together in one big washload and watch ‘em spin while we sssip champagne. (And we do need a couple of dandy gents to pour for us, so boys, please check your closet for that tux!) While we’re waiting, we’ll discuss “the importance of saving ones virginity and practicing abstinence until marriage.” Once our drawers and souls are sparkly clean, we’ll go marry that big butt plug in Cal Anderson Park, make a few stops at The Crypt and the Castle Superstore, and then find a nice gay bar to dance the night away! Saturday, March 15, 7pm 12th Ave Laundry, 1807 12th Ave Be prompt: the wash-load goes in at 7:30 (But shhh… it’s a secret from the laundromat!) Want to catch up later in the evening? Keep tabs by text message! Just befriend Ivan C. at dodgeball.com!

Brides of March is always fun, because nothing beats seeing big hairy men squeezed into pretty white wedding dresses. I’ve seen ladies wearing the dresses from their own failed marriages, but I got mine at Goodwill for $3.