On the occasion of Starbucks’s rediscovery and rebranding of “skinny” (i.e., getting your drink with skim milk and sugar-free syrups to cut calories), one New York barista revolts, hoping to jump-start the resistance with a five-point manifesto:

… I have no doubt that there is no malicious intent with “Skinny” platform. I’m sure that it is intended to make our jobs easier, and maybe show the public that Starbucks has options that can eliminate many of the calories and fat in the drinks we serve. Maybe it is even an attempt to use a different kind of lingo that could be considered hip or exciting. But the problems I have brought up cannot be ignored. They are real, and they will affect every single Starbucks that implements this system. …
[starbucksgossip]

But, before we claim this lingo as “hip” or “exciting”, let us turn back to the annals of coffee history, the halcyon days of the early nineteen-nineties. In those times, newspapers across the country breathlessly reported the coming wave of espresso mania brewing in Seattle and the bizarre and delightful language spoken by this city’s caffeine addicts. This, from the Denver Post is among the headier early dispatches on the topic:

The outlander faces a language barrier called Coffee Speak. If you order “just a cup of coffee,” the natives smirk and hiss “tourist!” and hold their cups more tightly to their chests. (Caffeine junkies have little tolerance for the yet-to-be-hooked.)

Stand in the vicinity of an espresso counter and you’ll hear gibberish like: “One mondo double skinny latte no foam slammer, one caffe Americano and one espresso macchiato, please.”

That order for three coffee fanatics translates to one 16-ounce cup filled with 4 ounces of espresso mixed with 10 to 12 ounces of steamed nonfat milk served cool enough for immediate consumption; one shot of espresso diluted with hot water to the strength of conventional American coffee; and one shot of espresso with a splash of milk. [Pat Hanna Kuehl, Denver Post : Dec 1, 1991. pg. 1.T]

With that, I dare each and every one of you to head to your nearest Starbucks with an order of “mondo double skinny” anything in hand. Please report the results in the comments.