You know there’s an election coming up? If you have a phone, then there’s no way you could not know that. The robo-calls are coming thick and fast, and they’re… hang on, phone’s ringing.

Hello, this is Gael Tarleton, and I’m running for Port Commissioner Seat 2. My opponent is spreading filthy lies about me, accusing me of being a Republican and voting for President Bush. That is simply not true. I am a lifelong Democrat, and I am so liberal I voted for Nader twice

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Where was I? Yeah, robo-calls. I mean, they won’t stop. And when they get your voice mail, they just keep right on going, so you have no idea who they’re talking… oh, hang on again.

Hello, this is David Della. Did you know my opponent Tim Burgess once put money in a Salvation Army bucket — an organization that not only is part of the virulent anti-homosexual but also wears military uniforms as if they might SUPPORT THE WAR? I, on the other hand, am a lifelong Catholic

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But, see, the more I get these robo-calls, the more I don’t want to vote for the candidates who are calling… arrgh.

Hi, this is Stranger columnist Charles Mudede, urging you to vote for R-67. In the early days of Mugabe, the Marxists held that the state must above all uphold a Weltanschaung that at once embraced the whites as part of a Leninist “New Man” proletariat and yet rejected their colonial capitalism that their hero Cecil Rhodes brought with him, which was to black Africa as the Louis Trichardt’s trek was to the guttural Afrikaans-speaking whites of South Africa. And this is why you should support R-67, which will allow policy holders to sue their insurance companies

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The stunt casting. The wink-wink-nudge-nudge of the underhanded and not entirely truthful campaign allegations. And, of course, David Della… oh, I bet that’s him again now.

This is David Della. Did I mention my opponent Tim Burgess once shook a Republican’s hand? Have you ever wondered where all the puppies are on Queen Anne Hill? I’ve heard drinking puppy blood invigorates you with the power of Satan. Did I mention that my opponent lives on Queen Anne?

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Dear candidates: STOP. Honestly. You’re wasting my time, and you’re wasting my voice mail. And in the end, you call me 30 times, but you never return my calls once you get elected. And on top of that, you won’t even listen to me and my ideas (since your handlers and money people are all you listen to), so why should I listen to you? This whole… oh, not again.

Hi, this is Dr. Hardy’s office. I’m calling to remind you that you have a dental appointment scheduled for Tuesday, November 6, at 9am

Oh, hey, a real call…

And since that day is Election Day, we want to remind you of the great job Jean Godden has done the last four years as City Councilwoman

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This election can’t end soon enough. And there’s still another election a year from now, with another round of guvernatorial poo-flinging to go with the president election that WILL NOT END. It really does make you dream of a benevolent dictatorship, doesn’t it? Oh, there goes the phone again.

Hello, this is Tim Burgess, candidate for City Council. Did you know that the Tagalog word for ‘Karl Rove’ is ‘david-della?’ Or maybe it’s the word for ‘village idiot.’ I forget. But so did Della forget all his campaign promises

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All of you. STOP. CALLING. ME. Or else I’ll start calling YOU during dinner.