Let’s skip over the state House and Senate races — if you live in Seattle, your choices are Democrat, Democrat, Democrat, and Republican College Kid Dan Savage Would Like To Go Ted Haggard On, so it’s not like you have any choices. And, let’s skip over the Supreme Court race, since it’s basically Judge Who Voted Against Gay Marriage vs. Hired Gun Of Building Industry Out To Put A Housing Tract In Every National Forest, and you should be able to figure out what to do there.

So, let’s go to the second half of the ballot — the initiatives.

Initiative 920
Better Known As: Frank Blethen Wants To Die Stinkin’ Rich

So, two of the richest — and weaselest — people in this town don’t want to pay the estate tax: Seattle Times publisher Frank Blethen and developer and anti-monorail guy Martin Selig. So, they get together with a John Bircher named Dennis Falk and come up with this whole anti-estate tax crusade. It hurts small business, they say, even when the numbers show otherwise. It hurts family farms, even though farms are exempt. If left in place businesses will leave and deplete revenue for schools, even though the estate tax pays into the state school fund.

In other words, it’s an issue of fairness. It’s unfair that really rich people have to give back a small amount of their wealth when they die, you see, because instead it should be passed on to the next generation. Imagine what Paris Hilton would do if her parents had to pay an estate tax! She might be forced to FIND A REAL JOB!

Reasons to vote for it: Your name is Frank Blethen.
Reasons to vote against it: You like schools and you think the world could do with one less heiress’ sex tape.

Initiative 933
Better Known As: Hey, Let’s Bankrupt The State Through Extortion!

This one is pretty straightforward. You want a strip mine in your backyard and that pesky government is telling you no? Well, now you can! Just vote yes and if you don’t get your strip mine, they’ll have to pay YOU cash money! It can’t be any easier!

Of course, no one knows where the billions it will cost to “compensate” people will come from, it will gut all land use laws, and the process proposed will likely slow or stop development altogether. But that doesn’t matter! What’s important is that YOU can put a toxic waste dump in your backyard, and no one can stop you now without paying you money!

Reason to vote for it: You think developers are honest people that would never stoop to the level of graft offered in this initiative.
Reason to vote against it: You don’t want your taxes to go up to pay to keep your neighbor Ray Bob from putting you downwind from a toxic waste dump

Initiative 937
Better Known As: The One With The Alternative Energy

The plan is really simple — big utilities must by 2020 get 15% of their electricity from alternative sources, such as solar and wind. It’s green, it’s easy, other states have done it. Of course, it does leave out hydro as “renewable,” apparently because we can’t build more dams. But hydro might be the cleanest and most consistent of the available alternative sources. So, there’s some head scratching here.

Reason to vote for it: Because you believe the children are the future.
Reasons to vote against it: The lack of hydro puts you off, or you really like the smell of coal smoke in the morning.

Resolution 4233
Just vote for it and think of it as a tax cut, even though you’re not paying taxes on it.

King County Transit Now
Better Known As: Improve the bus system without improving the bus system

This is yet another attempt to improve the Metro system and get people to and from places faster. The problem is, the improvements are somewhat dubious. The “RapidRide” is supposed to be bus rapid transit — like light rail, only with buses — only BRT needs dedicated lanes. And they’re going to plow this straight down Aurora without dedicating a lane or really making any flow improvements. You been on the Aurora bridge going south at 8am? It’s not exactly “rapid.” And other other promise is to improve cross-town flow. Anyone who has lived in Seattle long enough knows that the only way to improve the flow would be to widen an east-west street. Which TransitNow won’t do. But hey, it’s more money for buses, right?

Reason to vote for it: More buses!
Reason to vote against it: Sitting in traffic with more buses!

Seattle Initiative 91
Better Known As: Stick It To The Sonics

You know, it sounds good. Force pro sports teams to pay their fair share.

Well, until all of them break their leases and leave town in the next ten years, thanks to this initative, leaving Seattle and the state with hundreds of millions of dollars worth of unused stadia.

And it gets weirder than that. You like the World Cup? It ain’t coming here when it comes back to the US in 2018 or 2022. No. They’re professional sports teams. And those needed improvements? Not going to earn back the money that’s required.

Reason to vote for it: You like tilting at windmills.
Reason to vote against it: You like watching teams lose while drinking a $10 “small” beer.

Seattle Referendum 1
Better Known As: The Strip Club Question

Seattle’s love-hate relationship with strip clubs finally comes to a ballot near you. Vote yes, and you get clean, well-lit strip clubs with a “look but don’t touch, and you may need these binoculars” rule. Vote no, and Seattle will have 50 seedy, dirty clubs filled with lap dancing, organized crime, and Dan Savage readers. You know, like cities with character have. Maybe they’ll bring prostitution. Maybe they won’t. (Hey, if they do, then Aurora will have fewer hookers….) Nickels is talking about making SoDo and Georgetown into one giant Strip Club Amusement Park.

Don’t let the “free speech” signs fool you. This initiative comes down to one question: Do you want your lapdance in Seattle or in Lake City?

Reason to vote for it: You get your kicks above the waistline, sunshine
Reason to vote against it: Your blood runs cold, your memory has just been sold… your angel is dancing three shows nightly at Sugar’s

Seattle Charter Amendments 1-16
See if you can work out the secret code! Anyone who votes on these in the correct “yes-no” pattern gets a free strip club permit (with purchase of a mass transit system) courtesy of Greg Nickels! (Offer not valid in the Seattle city limits.)

Seattle Proposition 1
Better Known As: Mayor Greg Whips Out The Charge Card

Yes, it’s smaller than it was, but still, the main idea behind this proposition is that the city will issue bonds to do regular street maintenance. It’s like taking out a second mortgage to pay for groceries. It’s not all that smart. Why isn’t the backlog getting fixed normally, you know, like through the city budget? Oh wait, we need to make sure the mayor’s office has a gilded business card holder. Never mind.

Personally, this is the most idiotic of all the ballot initiatives. It doesn’t really do all that much in exchange for a lot of tax money. Where I grew up, if you wanted to fix the streets, you raised taxes and put the money in the road improvement fund. You didn’t issue bonds to pave a street.

Reason to vote for it: You’re Greg Nickels
Reason to vote against it: You’re anyone else registered to vote in Seattle

And that’s it for another year. See you all in 2008, when we get to replace the president and the governor — and maybe get to vote on some wacky Tim Eyman initiatives again!