blackberry jam, weapon of terror (via dylanw)

Thank you, Sea-Tac TSA security types.

Thank you for singling out a jar of blackberry jam my mother-in-law left in her carry-on by accident today. Because, let’s be honest, there’s nothing more terrifying than a 70-something great-grandmother aiming to bring down a plane with nothing more than blackberry jam.

I mean, blackberry jam is a mixture of blackberries, sugar, and pectin. All you need to add to that is toast and boom, you have a high-explosive that can bring down a 737. Imagine how much greater the casualty rate would be if you put butter in that equation, too.

And, indeed, shall we trust the source? My wife made that jam. She also voted for John Kerry, who I heard regularly ate jam sandwiches with Ayman al-Zawahiri during the 2004 campaign. Clearly, we should be looking at this 30-something Presbyterian extremist as a sleeper cell leader.

But, again, thanks TSA. Thanks for saving us from white senior citizens trying to bring blackberry jam onto our airplanes. In doing so, you ensure that our skies have never been safer.