I love a summer festival as much as the next girl, really, no matter how much I might complain about the constant state of sunburn. But the one thing that baffles me about Seafair is the pirates ^[1]. Why pirates? Historically ^[2], as far as I can figure, there were no pirates anywhere near Seattle.

I know that I think about this a little too hard, which is a side effect of growing up in the Tampa Bay Area ^[3], a place that celebrates the questionably accurate history of the local pirate Jose Gaspar ^[4] with another great big summer festival involving an invasion. So I am perhaps mistaken in the idea that such things should be in any way related to the city itself.

But here’s what I think. (I know, you were waiting for this part.) I think that since this town was built on prostitution ^[5] and logging ^[6], we should build a parade off of that. Instead of coming from the water they could come from Pioneer Square, a big crowd of lumberjacks and hookers running through the streets convincing everyone they come across that it’s time to party. They’d be just as much fun as pirates, and a good way to educate the kiddies at the same time.

Besides, everyone wants to be a pirate these days. Pirates are so over. Loggers are going to be the new pirate, I predict, so we might as well get ahead of the rush.