The thing about Seafair
I love a summer festival as much as the next girl, really, no matter how much I might complain about the constant state of sunburn. But the one thing that baffles me about Seafair is the pirates. Why pirates? Historically, as far as I can figure, there were no pirates anywhere near Seattle.
I know that I think about this a little too hard, which is a side effect of growing up in the Tampa Bay Area, a place that celebrates the questionably accurate history of the local pirate Jose Gaspar with another great big summer festival involving an invasion. So I am perhaps mistaken in the idea that such things should be in any way related to the city itself.
But here’s what I think. (I know, you were waiting for this part.) I think that since this town was built on prostitution and logging, we should build a parade off of that. Instead of coming from the water they could come from Pioneer Square, a big crowd of lumberjacks and hookers running through the streets convincing everyone they come across that it’s time to party. They’d be just as much fun as pirates, and a good way to educate the kiddies at the same time.
Besides, everyone wants to be a pirate these days. Pirates are so over. Loggers are going to be the new pirate, I predict, so we might as well get ahead of the rush.
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I believe the pirates thing is strictly aspirational (i.e., “Wouldn’t it be nice if our parties didn’t all seem like high tea at the Sorrento?”). Now your loggers-and-hookers combo certainly has historical merit — maybe they could float up on a log raft and Babes in Toyland could provide the hookers with some makeshift pike-poles.
Taking a page from you, I think there should be a Pirate vs. Logger dance-off to decide which would be better.
Ah, now you begin to understand the allure of the dance-off.
So, a pirates vs loggers dance-off sponsored by Toys in Babeland would pretty much be the best thing ever. Except where would the hookers come in?
Well, someone would have to *win* the dance-off, see…and…the hookers, well they…I hope you see where this going. The Seattle Times won’t list it as “family-friendly,” but I predict big crowds anyway, thanks to the Stranger’s sponsorship.
On a side note, I suppose log-rolling instead of a dance-off would be considered an unfair advantage for the loggers? Log-rolling, see, has the benefit of being a watersport.
Well, that would certainly make the party less high tea at the Sorrento. I have nothing to say about loggers and watersports, though, because I refuse to be responsible for the turn this comment thread would take.