A few years ago, my cousin lived in New Orleans and told me about bizarre South American rodents that had infested the city. Webbed feet, voracious eaters, hunted by locals for sport. My first thought was, “there is no possible way that this is true.” Rat-beaver hybrids the size of small dogs terrorizing a city? Who did he think he was kidding?

Later, I realized that this was no joke. My terror subsided only when I realized that as long as I vowed never to visit I had nothing to worry about. After all, Seattle is in the north, relatively swamp-free, and protected from these creepy creatures by at least a couple of mountain ranges. Certainly the Nutria would never be able to make it all the way to my doorstep?

Imagine my horror when this weekend’s news brought reports that the invasion was already underway — the swamp rats have been sighted in Lake Washington [ap]. Let’s just say that it was a rude awakening. Sure, they’re probably not awful as as rampant feral pigs [wesjones] or as good a subject for a made for television movie [scifi] as the killer fish terrorizing the east coast [nyt]. But unlike the threat of bird flu or killer bees, these things are already here. On top of that, they seem incredibly downmarket, don’t they?

Even worse: it turns out that they have a score to settle. Long, long ago, the beasts were brought to Washington to be raised fur. They weren’t suited to the winters and eventually died out. Or so we thought — like any horror flick villain worth his salt, they’ve come back to exact their vengeance. Our only hope is a fleet of cold-water sterile alligators. So until that happens, I’m printing up some t-shirts to stay on their good side.