fuzzy math [wikipedia]

Welcome to the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, where the dewy voiceover tells us that the episode will
be all about secrets [how dramatic!], which “can’t hide in science” because “medicine has a way of revealing
the lies” and pile up “until you’re so full of secrets that you’re going to burst!”

And speaking of secrets — George is spending some quality time in the bathroom examining himself with the Big Guide to
Rashes. It’s very convenient that they keep a copy around the house. Because she assumes that his girlfriend is
imaginary, Izzie assumes he’s “playing with little Jimmy and the twins.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Every week, these recaps of the dramatics of Seattle Grace Hospital get longer and longer. But since it’s the last one of the season, why not splurge a little bit? After the jump, the full rundown on the hilarity of hospital STD epidemics, a man with an ovary, a bloated gut begging to be drained, lots of secrets revealed, and very little about “Seattle” on this final episode of Grey’s Anatomy

Meanwhile, the nursing home calls Grey, but she won’t take the call because Dempsey is sleeping. Remember –> the
episode is about secrets and Alzheimer’s Grey wants to keep her condition on the Q.T.

In the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital, Sandra Oh is still in a rush to get her abortion. George is trying to talk to the
Little Redheaded Nurse about the itchy aftermath of their hookup. George interrupt’s Dr. Brash Young Guy’s nosehair
plucking time to get a second opinion. When George shows BYG his junk, he gets a preliminary diagnosis of syphilis.

Aside from the mystery of George’s STD, he and B.Y.G. are leading an investigation into a bloody bladder. While
they’re exploring their patient’s “mojo” (ah, how many penile euphemisms will we get in a single hour?) they learn
that he was Chief Wannabe #1′s old fraternity/hazing buddy from Tulane. Upon further investigation, it is discovered
that he has an ovary in his bladder. I’ll bet that never came up around the Kappa house.

Elsewhere, the Actual Chief and the Nazi are pulling out a colon. When the Chief experiences mysterious
symptoms including visual problems to dropping instruments he skips out of the surgery. Because Patrick Dempsey was
hanging out in the gallery, he notices that something’s amiss and asks if he should set up some tests.

In their very exciting storyline, Isabel and Sandra Oh are on the case of a rapidly expanding abdomen. It turns out that
it’s filled with fluid that’s pressing on his lungs. The guy’s daughter assumes it’s a consequence of his drinking and rotting liver, which
explains why his family is so anti-supportive. Needless to say, the ladies are super excited to drain the fluid all by themselves.

Although it would’ve been a funny joke, it turns out that George’s blood test results confirm that he actually has
syphilis. So, the hilarious STD subplot continues. Izzie tells him that he has to tell the nurses. It’s nice that
George is being so mature about the whole thing. To the chagrin of the home audience, B.Y.G. never talks about his
penis with other men; so we’ll never know if he’s had “the Syph.” In some back hallway, Little Redheaded Nurse starts
making out with George, who awkwardly [surprise, surprise] tries to tell her about his very special rash. She doesn’t
take it particularly well. Or maybe she does? Does walking away without saying anything count as a good reaction? I
don’t have a lot of experience with this. Over lunch, B.Y.G. maintains that Syphilis is the best thing that ever
happened to George because the nurses will think he’s a player.

Once again, B.Y.G. gets up close and personal with George’s naughty bits. This time, he’s planning to inject some Penicillin in George’s cute butt. Naturally, Meredith busts in on the fun. Followed immediately by Izzie. And then
Sandra Oh. The hilarity! George says that this isn’t what he expected when he fantasized about being half-naked in a
room full of three women.

The STD Storyline refuses to die. Everyone gets called into a meeting for an after school special to talk about the
hospital’s syphilis epidemic. Someone comes in to teach them how to apply a condom to a banana and the powers that be
recommend that all of the promiscuous staff get a blood test. Furthermore, it turns out that a little STD scare is
good for motivating relationship talks. Both Grey and Oh learn that their bosses haven’t been sleeping with anyone but
them. We are also horrified to learn that Dempsy has a thing for glow in the dark condoms. And you thought that
sharing his fascination with ferry boats was TMI. Have I mentioned how relieved I am this this is the last episode of
the season?

With no need to be tested, Oh and Dr. Model (who’s “not getting any”) happily skip away from blood test central to
drain their patient’s gut. They keep draining and draining and draining it until he has no pulse! When we get back
from the commercials, we learn that the Mr. Giant Gut has died. Although the ladies are skeptical, the Nazi assures
them that his death from cardiopulmonary failure wasn’t their fault. Still, it’s ice that Oh’s maintaining her track
record of death.

During the Sex Ed lesson, Dempsey and the Actual Chief sneak off to the MRI machine where the find out that a tumor
has been causing his weird symptoms. The tumor is operable; so Patrick Dempsey assembles a top secret team (Grey and
the Nazi) for a clandestine surgery for that night. Of course, it prevents Meredith from visiting the nursing
home for a monthly dinner. While you’d think that her mom would even remember (what with the Alzheimer’s), it turns
out that Meredith missed a moment of lucidity for her chance to watch her boyfriend operate on everyone’s boss’s eye.

When we return to the story of the man with an ovary, Chief Wannabe #2 explains to the boys that their patient has DNA
from an extra embryo that fused in the womb. Talk about an evil twin! They assure Mr. Bloody Bladder that even though
he has an ovary, he’s still a man’s man! A Kappa Man! With a pregnant wife! However, the plot thickens during the
ovary removal surgery. In addition to having an ovary, Mr. Bloody Bladder is sterile. Remember that very pregnant
wife? Although he forbids the interns from doing so; Chief Wannabe wants to tell his best friend that he isn’t the
father of his wife’s child. She says “what Bill doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” But Chief Wannabe #2 says that he’s his
best friend’s doctor and won’t lie to him. Ah. A muddy ethical situation. On this show?

Brilliantly, Isabel and Sandra Oh try to convince the family that they should get an autopsy. Yes. They think they
killed the guy and seem oblivious to the fact that an autopsy would invite a lawsuit. The daughter says no, Iron and
Wine sings a little bit, and they hatch a plan to do an unauthorized autopsy during the Night of Secret Surgeries
(which are are like Fight Club). Hijinks ensue as the incompetent interns break out the textbook to butcher
their dead patient.

When all goes according to plan for the Actual Chief’s surgery, Meredith is a bad liar and the Nazi catches her
precocious interns and freaks out. With good reason. But, Izzie and Oh tell Bailey that the guy’s heart is huge and
they run some tests to reveal that he had hemochromatosis [medline]. Aside from making the daughter feel a little guilty for
riding her dad about his 8 drinks per day, they may have saved the angry daughter’s life (since the condition is
genetic). Lucky them, since this also gets them out of trouble for doing the autopsy.

Magically, Dr. Grey the Forgetful is now remembering that she has a daughter. Finding this out inspires Meredith
to reveals the deep dark secret (#1) of her mother’s condition to Dempsey. As he comforts her, the Actual Chief wakes
up. The good news is that his optic nerve wasn’t damaged during surgery. The bad news is that he knows their little secret. He tells Meredith that her
mother would tell her that she’s making a mistake. But Meredith doesn’t care and continues to plan to make plans to
make rules with Dempsey.

As the show (and season!) wraps-up, Meredith’s voice reminds us that People forget how good it can feel to set
secrets free. Secret #2 is Chief Wannabe #2 telling his pal about his wife’s cheating ways. Secret #3 is that the Little
Redheaded Nurse was sleeping with Dr. B.Y.G. before she hooked up with George. Which means that B.Y.G. gave George syphilis (sort of); so George has a Bruce Banner moment and attacks the
guy who inspected his junk just hours previously. Ah, fisticuffs to end the episode.

Except — now that the Actual Chief knows about the illicit hookup Seattle Grey seems relieved and ready to chat with
Dempsey about the rules. Just as we think we’re cruising toward a happy ending, there’s a surprise Secret #4 in the
form of a mystery woman with the same last name as Patrick Dempsey’s character (apparently it’s Shepherd) who happens
to be his wife. There’s no secret #5, because she seems to know that Meredith has been sleeping with her husband! I
guess we’ll have to wait until next fall to find out what dramatic thing happens next!